Graduation

I graduate in 1 week...I am so excited yet feeling a bit defeated because i have not had even one job offer. Praying that god will help me to provide for my family!!!

Another Miscarriage

Well my heart is aching and has a empty little hole. I once again saw a healthy heartbeat of 143bpm then 3 days later a lonely unmoving little blob on the screen. The worst thing is i feel so alone and confused how could this have happened twice? to me i have 3 beautiful children already without knowing what i was doing and definatly not following the rules. I feel like i have gotten robbed or like god is mad at me. And I can't help but feel so sad when I see a Pregnant woman. All the things I always took forgranted in my other pregnancies i would give anything to feel again. I don't care about the weight gain or stretchmarks. I cant express the way i feel. I know i am meant to have another baby. I cannot shake the feeling that someone is missing at the dinner table. And whats worse we were going to try again in June but after talking to adam he told me he would be alot more comfortable if we were to wait a while. Which i can understand but i am impatient...so weighting till fall is going to be very difficult.
I dont know if anyone reads this at all but if you do and you believe in prayer, please pray that I find my first RN job soon and that God will give me the strength to be patient.

Thank you for listening.

Monday 3/14/11 went and saw acupunctuist and he says we are having a boy again...he is very accurate so now i know i will have 1girl and 3 little boys.

Wednesday 3.16.11 went to perinatal appt today and it was fabulous...the dr really listened to me and had great ideas for my situation. I am a very high risk pregnancy related 2 past eclamptic seizures and a past experience with pre-eclampsia. pretty much pre-eclampsia and eclampsia has been present for every pregnancy i have had. the plan is 9-10 weeks baseline EEG to monitor for seizure activity, 12 wks nuchal scan, 24 weeks very detailed cardiac scan. appts the same for other pregnancy till 28 weeks then every week till 32weeks and twice a week starting at 32 weeks to check bp, urine, nst, and symptom check. I am feeling more and more confident with the care this time around. I got my scan rescheduled for this fri so hoping that goes well.

Had first ob appointment and sono today. This is what we saw. A beautiful little flickering heart pounding away at 115bpm.

I understand as well as anyone that we are not out of the woods but for now the HCG and heartbeat milestones have been met so all I can do is have faith that god will protect our little one.

My doc also said i have a very "pregnant" uterus...haha apperantly.

If you cannot tell i loved taking tests esp. the digital ones that just come on out and say..."hey your PREGNANT".
I was instantly excited and scared and my poor hubby is a little slower to get so excited.

On that note the day after tomorrow i go in for my sono...i am so scared to see nothing but i am feeling so much stretching and m/s that i am hoping all of this is a good sign.

I am offically on spring break...got my test back today and got an 88% on it. so excited that was a way to start the break.

Next mon i go to Pham, the acupuncturist who can read the gender of your baby based on your pulse. And hopefully he can tell me what we are having and then after that i have the next ob appt on wed i bet another sono will be included there also.

In the meantime i did the baby center predictor and saw this....The Chinese chart says you're having a girl! I guess we will see what pham says.

Updates needed now given.

Beta #2 came back and double in less then 48hours...it went up to 477.

Then had beta #3 drawn 4 days later and the results came back 2622 with doubling time of 40 hrs.

On march 3rd had my first sonogram and saw a gest sac and what the sonographer said looked like the beginnings of the yolk sac.

Still cant shake my worries though, have been kinda crampy all day but super super nauseous so that is hopefully a good thing. I keep telling myself that there is nothing i can do differently and what will happen will happen and that it is in God's hands. I just pray that god will grant me another beautiful baby growing in my tummy. I so long to feel the kicks in my tummy and to rub my tummy and give my sweet baby tummy pats.

my aching nerves and muscles.

Had a personal training session to try and get in shape for my sisters wedding and for baby. I had beta #2 drawn on friday and wont get the results until mon when they call. I hate the wait. I hate the not knowing. beta#1 came back with 270 something so we need that number to double. Then March 11 in my sono at 930am.
I dont know if I can take another loss. The last miscarriage hurt so bad.

So far i have told hubby, Lorisa, Jessica, and April. The good friends that will be there should my journey end before oct.